It can be very overwhelming to realize all the ugly things we block out so we can survive to function. Recently, I gave my testimony at church and though there has been so much work I’ve done on me since beginning my faith journey, I’m constantly amazed by how raw some areas still are. I’d not even realized needed to be addressed. Issues I’d yet dealt with in my own heart and mind.
As I wrote my testimony, there were the obvious questions to pose to myself. What experiences do I discuss. Do I go into detail or do I just embrace to process?
Once I’d compiled my fine tuned testimony I began to really remember… and looking into the photo of me I’d miscaptioned as me at 13, when in fact I was actually only 12 years young.
Looking into the dark heavy abyss of my soul through the eyes only to see a heart heavy and pained. Remembering the things I’d forgot and have never discussed aloud. To look into my soul and remember me than, Is a tragedy. Sexually abused by trusted advisors. Paraded by my city and major corporations in the name of charity. The nervous breakdown I walk through alone. All and more before age 13.
It was a scary time to be a preteen in Suburban America. The social programming now 5 generations strong had been perfected and families blindly self program the system. My family was no different.
Ages 11-13, I was addicted to 1000 mg Motrin. The heavy stuff. This was 1989-91 Big Pharma was doping up America big time! I’d had an Great Aunt that died of a pill addiction just 1 year before. 20k a month, she’d been using funds from my Great Uncles Company to fund her addiction. No one knew how much each month she’d been spending not until the months after her death and there was obviously large bottom line increases.
I grew up in a family that shunned my Father, The Prince Of Chiva for his lifestyle. (A post with the same title to come to further explore this subject) yet my own Mother, Grandmother, Aunt and Brother openly sold and dealt pills to everyone they knew. Including me. My Mother had such great excess of pills, she had no clue I was eating 3-8 per day for years. Numbing the angst of my heart and the pains of my world.
Since then, I had a short bout with a pill addiction in 2013 for pain when I seriously hurt my knee trick riding in Palm Springs, my twins were only 4 months old. It was crushing to my soul not to physically be capable of crawling on the floor with my newly crawling babies. I was destroyed.
(I’d literally been planning to leave him the night I’d had the accident. If only my ego had not made me want to stick it in his face I was leaving, I wouldn’t have been injured. Injured and Trapped)
That coupled with a vial mentally abusive boyfriend that cheated constantly. I was trapped in my own personal nightmare. I kicked the pills cold turkey after 3 months but my ex was a coke addict and picked out our new family home only 7 blocks from his coke dealer. Which he was well aware when he chose our new place. I was oblivious until we move in and our home became the degenerates hang out! Joy for a Mommy of brand new baby twins and a 12 years old girl.
I cold turkey cleaned up by the following January. No alcohol, no weed, no coke, no pills.
He’d convinced me he would stop everything if I’d move back to my home town with him to save our family. I’m a hopeless romantic and have faith God can use anyone and miracles happen all the time. Sadly, my ex was not the man I trusted him to be. I had no choice but to leave him by June 2014 to save myself and our children.
I could no longer live being lied to constantly. It had become disease in my soul every time he spoke.
It’s been a rough run at recovery from all the tough times I allowed in my life. And taking ownership of my part in not fighting the right way for my family. I didn’t seek help earlier, I could have spoken up. I could have left sooner but I was afraid. 3 children, no where to go. It was terrifying.
I’m not doing coke anymore and I no longer feel the need to partake. I avoid pills unless it’s necessary and very rarely is.