Fetish? Let us dissect my world so I can maybe give you some perspective into my way of thinking. Right or wrong this is my experience and what I’ve learned. I’m more than happy to share me with you my loyal readers.
Yes, like you, I too was once put off by the idea of Fetish. My first experience as a Fem Dom was actually in PDX, my hometown. 17 yrs old. I’d arrived early into my sexual promiscuity.
Having only lived in LA for a short spell by 20, seeing so plainly the way it worked. I had no choice but to dispel any ideas of Fetish’s perverse nature.
When a 20 year old arrives in Los Angeles, CA you only have a few options. I myself arrived here in the most scandalous of fashion. But back in the day of course, that was my intended M.O., I once wore scandal like a floor length mink coat. Shamelessly!
I come from an entire family of huge personalities that are each shameless AF. I was just marking my territory in the world, as I’d been taught by my family. Even though everything I said above is true, my family was also an extremely proud people. My grandparents and mother were all about the keeping up of appearances. I’d been raised with expectations for my future. As my grandmother put it, they were raising me to be the “WIFE” of a politician, doctor or lawyer. Not to be powerful but to be the wife of a powerful man.
There was no way I could be too shameless, Fetish was the happy medium for me. I got to wear fun edgy sexy clothes, while playing on camera, playing to my best traits of a Rude Ass Cuntie Bitch. RACB meant no sex and no nudity. Trampling, smothering and whip whiling fun! Score for the Goddess! In the coming age of the internet 21 years ago, I knew everything would rear its head eventually. I got to be playful and pretty without being nasty.
2006, after my grandmother saw photos my ex posted of me in a bikini and heals on the internet, I was disowned. Isn’t time funny. Now those photos would be considered so tame by comparison of what’s out there. Silly.
As I was saying, when a young person that has no one in LA, arrives. Her options were limited for immediate money making potential. Sex industry, Fetish, waitress, mistress.
I’d been brought to LA from ATL by an Executive Producer of a major network TV show. In fact, one of his shows is back for a reboot. After a 4 minuet phone call in the rain at a pay phone in ATL. I left my then husband of 1 year shy ten days. By 4 AM I was in LA. (the lyrics “I’m leaving on a jet plane”, play over and over in my head on my Delta flight from ATL to LAX. And I’ve yet to return to the ATL to this day. Shameless AF!
As Ty’s mom told me when I left. “Out of sight, out of mind.” She was one cold lady. No wonder her son is so shameless.
Ty, my husband, he was a disaster. Just google his public arrest record. Turns out before he met me he’d roughed up his pregnant girlfriend. Then he met me and married me. God I was so naive. Being married to him turned me into a monster, I was his second wife you see, that I knew, he left out the pregnant girlfriend for obvious manipulative reasons, as did his whole entire family! Like she never existed! Insanity!
That and so much more I couldn’t tolerate. I was willing to do anything not to be trapped in life with the monster I’d married. If that meant moving to LA to be mistress to a married top Hollywood creator! Sold! Sign me up! Anything was better than living in my husbands daily nightmare.
After 3 months of being a mistress, I realized no matter how bad my marriage had been, I wasn’t a side chick and that too wasn’t gonna work. I’d met my soul mate. (Back when I believed in such foolishness.) Douglas Boyle, Hollywood riff raff.
Paul told me when I arrived, not to tell people who I was nor what I did because people will use me to get close to him. And everyone is an actor trying to be, “Discovered “. He wasn’t wrong and it was good advice.
When I’d first laid eyes on Douglas, I knew he was trouble. There I was, watching the traffic and enjoying the bright blue sky while drinking a smoothie, smoking a cig and sitting on the patio of NEO cafe on Venture Blvd., where the Marshalls store now resides. My life in a fright flashed before my eyes. A sensation so strong I had to shake myself free from his gaze as we peered into each others souls through our dark black sun glasses.
I actually wouldn’t speak to him when first we met. I refused to engage. I was petrified. I even walked by him without even so much as a glance or a grin.
Unfortunately, my spirit had other ideas because when I saw him 4 days later, I walking up to my apartment on Aqua Vista and him riding a bus on Vineland. I jumped like a giddy school girl for his attention. And it worked, he got off the metro at the next bus stop. Me left with a deep feeling in my gut of, “oh my soul what have I done?” Being the nervous nelly I am I looked at my khakis, Keds and button up and thought oh my soul this will not do. Ran to my apartment changed clothes into a ATL Braves World Series Play off T-shirt and cut off Levi shorts. And ran back out to see him walking up to my block looking around for the girl in khakis. Yes, I am a real nerd girl. I did that.
As I’d guessed, he was total Hollywood riff raff but he was pretty. And as it turned out, that riff raff had family in a Studio City. Okay so he came from decent people but liked the seedy nasty side of life. As far as I know he still does. He was living in the Downtowner in Hollywood. Boy did I nail it when I profiled him upon first glance.
But the coolest fact about him, he smoked weed! He didn’t just have bud, he had the kindest sticky ickiest THC dripping from the leaves icky buds and that was oh so yummy! We smoked while he read me his hand written poetry and wept as he was on his knees begging for me to be real enough to see him as a man, a human broken man, ready to love me. Dear Lord I prayed for strength and guidance.
So I jumped on the crazy train and moved him into my 1 bedroom apartment paid for by my Hollywood sugar daddy. I told you I was scandalous back in the day. But I hated being a mistress, it wasn’t glamorous at all! There was nothing pretty women about it! He never took me out. He was never with me except to have sex. I was starving for attention and affection.
Black jaguar from the green valley wanted to lay it on me. And I was more than ready! We were lovers made to bring passion to the world. At my place not his! Absolutely intense was our love making! Cops were called more than once. I’m a very loud lover. Still. And we loved making love and we loved being in love… until we didn’t. It’s so weird to think of us in the beginning before we became who we are now. Wild. 20 plus years.
He was a lot. Extra was an understatement and he convinced me that we would fund our own production company by doing Fetish films and private shows. It was a whole lot more exciting than waiting for Paul to come by for 40 minuets a week.
I’d met with quite a few gents that first year and they all had a few things in common, they were all men in highly powerful positions. CEO’s, Designer’s a Rabbi’s all that had lost their faith. High level men with the need to be disciplined by a women. And I boldly spoke about God and faith in our sessions, yes it was awkward but if you’ve ever met me, you’d know that too is my M.O.
I got into the psychology of Fetish and what makes people tick. What are people really looking for? If it wasn’t pleasure they sought, there must have been something else these men got from being dominated and disciplined.
And there was… beneath all of the sharp suites and polished wingtips, these men have everyone kissing their asses being yes men all day. And everyone wanting from them, these are men that realized they only got where they are because their Mothers disciplined them and they can only keep the lifestyle if they force humbling on themselves. Powerful stuff.
My goal was always to have them in normal relationships on healthy sexuality paths after 3 months. I didn’t want to have to maintain relationships or keep them as slaves. I loved setting them free to live life well.
Yes, I was paid well to whip them but I’d seen so many Dominatrix abuse slave men and I wanted to be better than that and I had no desire to touch them nor have them touch me.
My ex and I owned our Production company for about a year when I met a gal that convinced me I was on the right path.
She was from the mid west 19 years old and had been in LA for 3 months. She’d shot over 63 porn movies and she was homeless with a backpack. Heartbreaking! Fetish was my saving grace and it could save other women from Hollywood sexual torment. I was convinced God had set my path for a purpose. Not just perversion! I was grateful and excited to help save women in Hollywood! It had become a dream!
And that is what Fetish means to me. Sexual freedom without sacrificing ones self respect or body.