The gift I give myself.


Why Abstinence?

Being sexless in the city of LA isn’t as easy as one might think. It takes but one swipe or even a, “hello” and a conversation stricken up in a grocery store to get laid in this town. Everyone is super sexually charged because everyone is so much delicious delightful fun and way sexy confident. The pleasure factory is hot and on full functionality in this city! Walk into any bar meet a guy or gal whatever your pleasure and boom, done. Sex is easier than buying a soda. 

Love. Now that is another story. Let’s start with love by definition and then look at what society deems as love. Or vice versa. In this city, “love” and “what you can do for my career”, are all too often confused. 

It’s easy to meet a man infatuated with you, desires for you to be his arm charm, for bragging rights. (As if to imply he may have a huge cock and is a phenomenal lover) Being any mans’ trophy is in no way sexy nor any way to live. Intent is key. Why does he want you and why do you want him? 

It’s taken me 20 years of crazy relationships & 2 years + of abstinence to begin to see into myself. Why do I keep dating the same personality with the same flaws that hurt me all the same ways. What about me is attracting this kind of person?

That’s when I discovered I was a co dependent enabler. The secret drug addicts I dated that eventually broke me down cause I couldn’t fight the drugs, used my love to abuse me. And it was my pattern to allow it. 

As it turns out it’s because the dominant parent in my life trained me to turn a blind eye to her addiction while highlighting my father’s. It had apparently an adverse effect that made me highly susceptible to date men that had mothers that had trained them to do the same. 

Man life is weird. A 2 year journey into The Why of what I do. And is any of it necessary? 

Continue to use love or sex as a distraction or just be patient for the real McCoy? I had to ask myself real questions about my future and my desires for my reality.

The first question you might have pop to mind, why on God’s green earth would anyone want to go without sex? Especially a vibrant beautiful woman in Los Angeles, CA. 

And that would be a great question, so please allow me to answer. 

After I had come to the nauseated realization I’d basically been dating my mother for 20 years I was real quick to not trust my taste nor judgement of men. I cut myself right the fuck off right fucking quick! It was time to get this little red corvette into the shop! A total engine rebuild. New motherboard with brand new wiring and on this fabulous little vintage model, all that work takes time plus reprogram, Installs of the new upgrades and software updates.. A little car humor. 

Abstinence is the greatest gift I’ve ever gifted myself. I’ve become my own best friend. In the beginning, like every day of the first year and half were the toughest. A serious power struggle with my pleasure center. 

I’d become so much a hedonist, sex had become my prayer and worship. I’d even forgotten the purpose of love. 

I had to learn to look at the men I met differently. I had to think about them differently and teach my mind to look for different things out of experiences than I’d once sought as a gluttonous nymphomaniac. 

What a whirl wind of change that brought for me to encounter on my soul. I had to relearn to interact with people, places and things. I realize that sounds foreign but I’d been raised around sex so much so that it was all I could think about some days. Drunk on pleasure. Every room I walked into was me looking to see which man I’d allow to seduce me.  

I’d been raised weak to my flesh to the point I was a danger to myself and others. Shameless! I loved the ultra scandalous. I mean scandalous had become my drug. And I couldn’t get enough some days! My 20- 30’s were covered in a heavy blanket of impermeable darkness where I had lost sight of the light in me.

By the time I had walked into Zoe Church fall of 2015, I was a broken women and needed a whole lot of emotional rebuilding. I’d become self destructive and had to unlearn my behavior. My lifestyle and habits. 

No one said, “you ain’t right.” I knew before I walked in, I was all wrong. 

Cutting sex and dating out of my life has allowed me time to learn, create and develop but also brought on some suitors I’d have never expected.

You’d be amazed at the magic of self respect. Self discipline and self restraint are key factors in attracting the heart designed for you. 

I mean, I am still single but I can only guess by the divine quality of gentleman that have showed interest in me. Thank you kind sexy suitors. If only one dare look me in the eye and share his heart’s desires with mine. Or perhaps a man asking me out is unrealistic. I hear men desire to be picked up on. That doesn’t speak to my heart’s desire. When I meet him I guess I’ll know.

I’m abstinent and every day brings new challenges and though the struggle is so real, it’s so most assuredly worth while. I wouldn’t dare trade it off to just any man. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. 

In January, I was horrendously weak to my flesh and bord which is a highly dangerous combination. Extremely self destructive in my case. And I ran off a most wonderful suitor, I would have most happily spent my whole life with him. Foolish choice on my part.

And I allowed a man to kiss me, fondle my breasts and touch me. In the moment, it felt dirty and sleazy. Something that no longer appealed to me. It still makes my skin crawl. Not because he was icky but he wasn’t right for me and that felt wrong. I could taste the bad decision on his lips with every kiss.  

Having a slight amount of insight now, a little discernment and life is much more comfortable. Less chaotic and far more rich in my relationships and only getting better every day as I continue to grow in my faith and become the type of person someone with a loving heart for me will be happy and grateful to date, love and hopefully marry.

I really do have only my relationship with God to thank for my transformation of mind and heart. Only his love for me could set me free.

And that is a powerful gift. 


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I live a low key high profile life in Los Angeles, CA and Portland, Oregon for the last 20 years. I'm also guilty of a notoriously scandalous sex and love life of past. A once Disciplinarian and co owner of the, "Red Velvet Torture Chamber", in Hollywood, CA. Affectionately known as the, "RVTC". April 19, 2001 Portland, Oregon, Rose Garden Arena now, MODA Center. I pissed off Angus Young of AC/DC for, "steeling my bloody show", as he put it. It was also his thought that I should... Well I guess you'll have to watch for the rest of the story. one of many Sexless In The City tales I'll share about NOT sleeping my way to where I am.


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